These are the Daze of Our Lives

Hi folks –

Just in case you were wondering about ways in which to make your day embarrassing, appear longer than it actually is, or just down right awful, here’s the first installment of:

Brendan’s Wacky Classroom Mishaps!

A Reader's Guide to Getting the Least Out of Your Day

(Author's note: While I can’t guarantee truly awful results, I will tell you that, by following each step to the end for this particular exercise, you’ll definitely develop a sense of woe that’ll carry well into the next morning. Fear not if you don’t plan on standing in front of a class full of 8th graders any time soon. It is my belief that the lessons to be learned in this post are universally friendly therefore adaptable to anyone's life! Let’s get started, shall we?)

Part one -

Screw Up Reading Comprehension Exercises

(So far in this episode, our hero has been given a task in which he is to create a reading comprehension worksheet based on an extremely short passage in the 8th grade reading textbook.)

First off, make sure to under-emphasize the importance of the assignment. I cannot stress enough the importance of not getting a head start – especially if you have an entire week to prepare; it just takes you away from the fun stuff, like browsing new SKYPE icons or checking out incomprehensible telecasts on NHK (which appeared to be devoted to fish…I thought. It could have been about blue jeans; like I said…it was pretty incomprehensible).

While this approach may seem a bit risky, professionally speaking, it is (in my experience) the best way to achieve a quality amount of embarrassment upon the day of reckoning. You can’t make an omelet without skinning a cat…yeah. Something like that.

Let’s assume that the students’ responsibility is to carefully review the content of the passage and be able to answer simple questions as provided by the teacher. As the teacher, preparing for such a task can be quite simple if you have all the necessary tools within reach.

Well, forget that!

Here’s my philosophy: It is very important that you not – I repeat: NOT, have a copy of the textbook at home. Who wants such a cake walk? Booooooorrrinnng! Leave it at work, I say! This is to insure that ‘thrill-factor’ rush when putting the worksheet together the morning of the class. Remember: Nurturing the burn of responsibility breeds feelings that might convince you to get off of the couch.

My recommendation is to not read the assigned passage in its entirety. Doing so will only cause confusion if you find that, upon completion of your worksheet at the 11th hour, what you have written conflicts with the content in the textbook. It’s better to assume that everything matches up nicely. It’ll be more like a surprise birthday party when you realize your wacky mistakes! Oh, there’s just so much to write!

Now that you've gotten everything down on paper, let's head to the copy room!

Make a master copy of your worksheet, then (prior to making SEVERAL copies for your classes and to tease yourself) contemplate seeking approval from the teacher with whom you will be working in class. Don’t devote too much time to this, though; it’s just a mood-setter. There’ll be plenty of time for consultations AFTER you finish making copies. Do ya see where I'm going with this?!

I recommend about 70 to 80 copies of your document just to make the trees cry in protest a little bit louder when your mistakes are revealed.

*For those of you seeking an elevated sense of dread, I suggest the following copying options: Wait until there is an extensive line at the copier to achieve maximum giggles – it’s a hoot, I tell you, and well worth the sweats! Even more, choose the line for the copier that will run out of ink when it’s your turn! Ah, me…

OK – with 5 minutes to class time, you’ve waited long enough…

Show the finished product, along with the copies you were somehow able to make, to the teacher. For extreme satisfaction, when he or she questions you about the worksheet, throw in a few babbling sounds and gasps for air prior to offering lame excuses for your mistakes – remember: you worked really hard to not do this thing right. Milk the experience for what it’s worth!

Finally, EMBRACE THE IRONY! You just made a READING COMPREHENSION review sheet...with content mistakes! I believe this specific type of irony falls under the, “specially placed mood candle burning down your home,” variety. (Thanks to SM for inspiring that one...)

So what have we learned about messing with your day?

Feel free to jot down your own ideas -- I'd be happy to mull them over with you on the unemployment line.

Notes section:
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In truth, I made a typo on an exercise for one of today’s classes…but what is life if you’re not able to dramatize trivial matters for the entertainment of others? At the very least you develop your skills of embellishment.

"NEVER TRUST SPELL-CHECK!" he cried from up on high.

And THAT’S today’s lesson.

Keep surfing!

Brendan

Uneasy Rider

Greetings folks -

I am now the (reluctant) driver of (drum roll)

A BRAND NEW SUBARU PLEO!

It's sleek! It's stylish! It's the size of a rice cooker!

HELP ME! EVERYONE DRIVES ON THE LEFT! I really shouldn't be typing this while I'm driving -- note to self...

Anyway, here's a picture of daddy's little trooper (actual size):

It's pretty much sink or swim when it comes to learning how to drive in Japan -- this concepts undertones come dangerously close to reality given the near miss I had with a bog the other day... Watch out for those farmers! I had no idea that the inhabitants of rural Japan were so well-versed in the ancient art of New York style obscene finger gestures... I was pretty sure I caught a, "Go back to 'Jersey, ya moron!" too.

Aside from roadside detractors and the occasional street sign that, through no fault of my own, ends up in my grill, things have been marginally, somewhat, OK, sort of, behind the wheel. But my skills were hard earned, with hours of work, determination, and sweat put into just getting inside the darn thing...

Imagine my surprise when I hopped in the car the first time and saw this: Seriously? I was whisked away to Seinfeld's 'Bizzaro World' episode.

"Boy! This driver's side sure is roomy for such a little car!"

"You're in the passenger side, sir," the attendant offered meekly, his cohorts stifling their guffaws in the background.

"Right, right... Of course. I just wanted to make sure that...never mind," I blurted out lifelessly.

This is the scenario I played out in my head in anticipation of a nightmarish first experience. But reality's writers could have worked for the original Saturday Night Live line up.

I turned every single feature on and off twice before getting the thing into drive. I'm pretty sure they didn't laugh and point at me at the same time until I ran over the curb exiting the place; but I can't vouch for the time I spent trying to unjam the window-spritzer thing.

Conveniently, the car rental place was 45 minutes away from Maki, so getting home alive was VERY interesting.

What amazes me (and my Japanese friends will get a chuckle about this) is the utter disregard the obaachans (grandmother/older ladies) have for the rules of the road. It's sort of that, "I'm backing up and I don't care what people say!" mentality. I can't tell you how many times one of those geriatric hellions has come tearing out of a side street, not once looking to see if anyone is coming. Like I don't have enough problems behind the wheel?! I'm already freaking out enough about backing into a parking space. Now I have to worry about Old Mother Hubbard and her jidenshya (bike) missle heading for me at 100 MPH? See! I can't even handle the mph/kilometer conversion yet!

Picture a Japanese version of the "Where's the Beef?" lady atop one of those bikes from the Wizard of Oz, and you've just purchased front row seats and service for two in my brain.

I'm ready to start riding my bike again, thank you.

More to follow...hopefully.

Keep surfing!
(with a seatbelt and a helmet!)

Brendan

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..."

Keep surfing!
Brendan
P.S. - Sorry Dad...you know I love you.

"Sho" me the way...

Hi everyone -

Long time no blog! I really wish we were allowed to post pictures of teachers and students, because today was wonderful...

I visited Maki Kita Shogakko, which is one of the local elementary schools. My mission: have fun.

The kids there were completely energized which was a welcomed reprieve from some of the sleepy classes I've endured at the JHSs. Of course, relative pronouns with a dab of present participles on the side are not always a guarantee of yuks. No, I got a break from the rough stuff and had fun with greetings, Simon says, and SpongeBob stickers.

The morning started with me pedaling, once again, through Maki's back streets, only this time through a torrential downpour that Noah might have been impressed by -- and that dude saw some rain! I made it to the school, two-stepped the steps, and was greeted by a cherubic-faced teacher, Mr. A (because of the new blog limitations I will refer to him from an alphabetical perspective). He guided me to the teacher's entrance and showed me my shoe locker for the morning. Impressed by the fact that I had brought by my own shoes, Mr. A smiled and called the vice principal over to say hello. Mr. VP graciously took my sopping wet coat and led me up the stairs where I was to meet my new teaching colleagues.

But the room was empty. It was then that I noted a thundering barrage of cheers and stamping feet coming from the belly of the building. But a moment was all I was afforded as the VP ushered me in to meet the principal.

The aisatsu went as tradition dictated; Mr. P offered me his business card, I offered a poor excuse in Japanese for not having one, all involved break down in laughter. But he was great. An Aikido enthusiast in college, Mr. P asked me several questions about my past and what types of interests I had in Japan. I did my best to answer coherently, but he got the gist of what I was saying.

In the room seated already were three folks, sipping on sencha. They were part of a camera crew that was filming for a Niigata television program -- specifically the Maki Kita Undokai. They chatted with Mr. P for a few more moments and then left the room. As I watched them leave, I noticed a beautifully crafted 'Hannya' mask on the wall above the door. This mask in particular was one that scared me to near death as a child -- a representation of it hung in a similar position in my Uncle Dave's old room. That Hannya mask has since gone missing; I have since conquered my fears and intend on getting one for him in the near future -- keep it a secret, will ya?

Anyway, I simply said, 'Hannya,' and Mr. P's face lit up with amazement at my recognition -- we then chatted away like old school chums, all the while me wishing there was a warm cup of sencha in hand to wisk away the slight chill I had brought along with my travels. But time would not allow this luxury...

Enter Ms. I. She was to be my contact at the school, as per the staff at one of the JHSs... She took a moment to talk about some of the ideas for the classes, but I noticed a lack of English being used.

Uh oh.

It was then that I reached down in to the depths of my soul and extracted the will to teach SOLO!!! I nodded my approval of her ideas and immediately began to think of ways to change her mind.

As we headed out, I began crafting ideas all the way to the gymnasium -- the location of the thundering yells and stamp. Wait. Why wasn't I going towards a classroom?

It became quite obvious that I was being led into the Colloseum of sorts, except all of the lions and tigers where small children dressed in matching athletic clothing. As soon as I reached the door, 300 faces stopped in unison and turned my way -- they had been in the middle of what appeared to be a jazzercise routine which the TV folks were filming. But the MC got them back in to rhythm and the stamping continued.

"I'm sorry, what was that you said?"

Ms. I had been yelling something into my ear.

"Garble garble garble SPEECH IN FRONT OF EVERY ONE garble garble rrrrreeerrrererrrr..."

Can I curse on this thing?

She led me up along the wall ask the kids began missing beats in order to catch a glimpse of this new sacrifice. Before I knew it, I was standing in from of all the kids with a microphone in hand. I decided to ad-lib this time around...

While the other ones were painful, this speech was actually A.O.K. and set the tone for the rest of the day. I was charismatic, smooth, and I didn't even trip walking up this time!! Stupid in door shoes! Sorry...

I proclaimed my love for Doraemon, all things washoku, and kaki choko, to booming applause. At least, I'm pretty sure it was applause, but it might have been laughter.

I spent my few free 'thought' moments walking out of the gym getting back to the lesson plan issue; but once we reached the classrooms it was obvious that out of all four classes I was to teach, all of the teachers were more than happy to hand me the microphone. So I ran with it.

Never before have I acted out adjectives with such passion...such drive...such a disregard for my own pride. But the kids were great. They bellowed 'happy!' when I bellowed 'happy!', wimpered 'sad' and wiped a tear when I did, and most importantly shouted, "LET'S GO METS!"

(I had to offer SpongeBob stickers at first, but they got the idea quickly.)

There was no way I could have brought enough pencils, stickers, or whatever for the day. They seriously went nuts for the stuff. But the kids ended up having fun despite the final 'lack of supplies' I experienced during my final class.

As a parting gift they peeled a sticker off of one of the crayon cans in class and presented it to me proudly -- I bowed my thanks and then signed several autographs -- this is teaching, right?

The best part of the day was as I was leaving one of the students ran up and gave me an acorn after which my heart was an ice cream cone in the sun.

SEND PENCILS!

(^ ^)

Keep surfing!

Brendan